Alberta Separatists make me sick.

They do, they make me feel nauseous. They make me feel weak in the knees. And for some reason, they make me twice as sick as separatists from Quebec. I have spoken about my great disgust for Quebec Separatists before, and they, I hope we can all agree, are a fucking miserable lot.

But why is it that Canada-hating Albertans bug me so? Until very recently I’ve always found them to be a rather novel element to the mainstream variety of Ottawa-loathing Albertacrat. Good for a joke or two, you know. But the recent incline in support for the "movement" has obviously crawled under my skin (and got me fuming at the fingertips!)

I know it’s not a matter of which group’s complaining is more justified. That’s a dumb game. Quebec separatists argue that they have a "distinct culture" which cannot be understood or embraced by any English-speaking Canadian. Thus, they see separation as the only feasible solution to their situation; complete autonomy from the rest of us, to erase a couple centuries of perceived bad blood. Conversely, Albertan separatists argue that too much interference by the federal government has resulted in a huge money siphon from the bountiful plains to the filthy pits of Eastern Canada, where the money is then converted into banquet dinners and a big "fuck you" to the ROC.

Both myths, although based on fragments of truth and factoid, are bogus. They are bogus for reasons which have been enunciated elsewhere ad nauseam. And that is a good thing, for I would be ill-equipped to attempt to do so here again.

But getting back to my original target - separatist scumbags - and why I really, really hate them.

Even though there’s been a surge in this revolting sentiment as of late, I can remember when I saw my very first Alberta Separatist gathering. It happened in Red Deer (circa 2001) when a couple hundred nice young men decided to assemble in the spirit of tearing their country asunder. They were beautifully adorned in black leather swastika garb, and they chanted nifty little jingles that could only lead one to believe that the proposed "Republic of Alberta" would be as diverse and welcoming as its predecessor, with room for people of all shades and colors, from alabaster to albino. I’m telling you, this crowd of overweight, racist pricks really sold the message for me. And I have them to thank that I will forever make the association in my mind, for the rest of my life.

"But Senator, just because you support the wretched notion of Alberta separatism doesn’t mean you’re a racist."

No, it doesn’t. It means you are ready to align yourself with racists to validate some stupid idea you picked up from reading the Calgary Sun. It means that you’re ready to take reactionary steps against the State to which you are subject. It means, you’re prepared to stand against me, as a traitor who doesn’t deserve to take another breath in this country!

Well bring it on!